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Today I looked at an old friends myspace and shes out in college enjoying her life and suddenly i feel jealous..Jealous that Im not her and in the college she is in. Jealous that she is getting everything out of life and im still sitting with my head up my ass trying to decide where i even want to go in this life. Is this just a phase or am i just phucking up royally?
why do kids eat lipstick????????? and more importantly, why do they have to eat MY lipstick..>.
how do I end up in the shit situations? The ones where you think everything is great and then automatically shit hits the fan. I can never just get the pebble, I have to get the whole damn boulder instead. As much whining as I do in this damn thing im surprised I don't have a big caution sign saying..HEY FUCK HEADS, IM EMO!...I gotta stop making so many damn mistakes, I think for some reason I'm attracted to scenarios that ensure pain, ensure failure. Maybe I like to hurt, and feel like a piece of shit because i swear it always happens...
I picked up some applications today for some jobs, I don't know when I'm going to bring them back to town but hopefully its soon. I guess I could sit and mope about what is going on in my life or I could try to do as much as I can to change the situation I'm in. Gabby is upset at me but thats nothing new, someone is always mad at me for something. She said I'm going nowhere in my life and I'm letting everyone else hold me back from my goals and dreams. So I'm having some rough times and I'm down on the bottom of this hole, how come it feels like I don't have anyone by my side.
So I woke up today and I stared at the ceiling as I lay next to Jason and I wonder...Who the hell am I..Why am I here, why do I do the things I do and make the choices I make? Same journal entry as the others, just a different day and yes, I do realize this. My journal is dull and uneventful because every other entry is me asking.."hey who the fuck am I" "why do I do this and that and this again over and OVER"..To err is to be human but I think I err enough for the whole damn species. You would think after the first million times of making the same damn mistake I would have learned..Either I'm just too damn stubborn to change my ways or I'm seriously that fucking stupid. Wake up Stacey, Wake up from this nightmare and get your ass where it needs to be..But that's the problem..where am I supposed to be?

I hate people who wake up and know exactly where they want to go, what they want to do and who they want to do it with. I wake up and the air is empty and the room is always cold and I feel more lost and alone than the night before. I don't belong anywhere in this world and it's getting to the point where I just want to stick a gun in my mouth and pull the trigger, But that would be too easy and knowing me I would probably do it wrong and live the rest of my life as a vegetable while someone wipes my ass and feeds me food through a straw. I talked to my mother and asked her if I was ever in the vegetated state if she would just let me die and the dumb bitch told me no, she would leave me like that because she wouldn't want to let me go. I knew right then and there I will be making my list of what I want done to me if that ever happens..because sitting in a room with drool coming out of my face and shit down my pants, would be the worst experience of my life, whether I'm aware it's even happening or not.

I feel alone. I want to cry.
My stomach feels like its tearing me apart from the inside..I dont understand why everyone always has to tell me what I'm doing wrong and never what I'm doing right..I hurt Harley and I know that..Im reminded everyday from a call or a message or something..I want to just run myself off a cliff or just hide in a corner and just waste away....My eyes feel so heavy and when I breathe in it feels like I'm breathing in all the hurt..I have a knot in my throat and all I want to do is throw up..I need to just throw up and get it over with...$6.50 wasted though and ill be hungry again...
love, why does it have to be so damn hard. Why does life have to be so hard? Why does being happy have to be so hard...One of these days the world will wake up and realize that love IS all its cracked up to be, Why does everyone try so hard to reach for it if it wasn't..People spend their whole lives doing everything they can for one ounce of happiness..Just one moment in time where a smile crept on their face and they were in total bliss...I believe its worth the pain for one moment of happiness..Others do not..They sit and worry about everyone else being happy that before they know it a big sign smacks them on the face and they're like "hey, whoa, wait...i'm not happy...haven't been for a long time" and all that time was wasted being unhappy, that they missed out on all the moments that made them happy...I want to be happy..I want to wake up every morning and know that I'm happy with every part of my heart and soul...I want that for myself; I need that for myself. What else in life is there to live for, if you cannot live for happiness..
I had never thought my life would come to this moment...The moment where you feel like no matter which step you take, someone is going to get hurt in the process. I feel like a horrible person and i feel like my world is yet again crashing down around me..I try to be happy with my choices but it always comes back down to who is getting hurt and left behind in my footsteps. When will it be what I want? When will be it about my happiness? Does this sound selfish of me to want to be happy in my life? I can't wake up every morning feeling like this..feeling like I'm ripping someone's heart out, but i want to be happy..So which is it? My happiness and someone else's pain...or my pain and someone else's happiness..
for once in my life im not having WoW withdrawls. Im back in Florida again and im sitting here wondering what im going to do with my life. I told harley our relationship was going nowhere and came back here. How will i ever get ahead with someone who doesnt even want me to go to college. He sent me a message today telling me how much he loves and misses me. you know the normal mumbo jumbo from a man who is scared to be alone. you would think if he really loved me..maybe he would have got his ass on a plane and came to florida to get his life together, like i pleaded with him to do. Im sorry, i cannot be with someone who dislikes change and doesnt want to better their life. he is completely ok with living off other people and i literally cant stand not having my own space. Hes fine with the bare minimum and what kind of simplistic person wouldnt be? But damn when im scraping for coins to buy a 99 cent soda, theres something wrong. I dont know how i get stuck on these dead end roads, PLEASE SOMEONE TELL ME WHY I DO IT.
im still alive...surprising.


I feel like I'm closing myself out to all the endless possibilities that life has to offer me. It's only been two months and i already feel myself suffocating in this pit of uncertainty.Yes I always rant about how unhappy i am no matter where i go but, theres one thing for certain, I am happy but I don't know if this happiness is going to get me to where I should truly be in life. I know i should be in college and right now in this situation I'm in, I don't see me there. Don't get me wrong, I care about Harley a lot and he is someone i want to be with, but we have nothing in common, except for the fact we both love computers and we both love DDR and we like to rock our faces off...Ok we have a bit in common but he didn't graduate high school or go to college and he doesn't even laugh at the same jokes and online comics i laugh at. It's like I'm trying to talk to a mime; we understand each other but the communication and understanding is just lacking. Harley and I don't even have deep conversations. I'm into politics and religion and he could care less about it. I like to play sports and he is just lazy. I like to do html (well learn it) and he just cant read java. I want to lose weight and he wants me to be fat. I am just starting my life and he is halfway down the road with 3 kids and past marriages. He is fine with living with his parents and I want my own place. Its just this never ending list of cons that keep adding up. I came to Indiana in hopes to change my life for the better, not the worse and the more i sit in this place the more i realize that Florida is my home and i belong there. I know me, and i know what I'm doing. I'm just tired of being alone and not having that close companion that i throw myself to the first person that comes along so i don't have to be alone anymore. That isn't right and now i find it harder and harder to leave. I need to leave.